When Should You Give Your Child a Phone? Here’s What Works for Us.

[Also published in Her View From Home]

“Everyone in my grade has a phone. When can I get one?”

We started hearing this question on the regular, starting around third grade. We knew we had to come up with a good answer or else we’d be hearing it A LOT more in the coming years.

We have three kids, and luckily, we found a solution that turned out to be perfect for our family. Not only did it give us a confident way to respond to our kids, it turned a potentially long-term, exasperating situation into an exciting and motivating milestone.

Here’s how it happened.

Initially, we struggled with the idea of giving our child a phone. Neither my husband nor I had cell phones as kids, so this was uncharted territory for us.

We felt strongly that there was no “need” for a phone in elementary school, since we handled all their transportation, so for a while, our answer to the incessant phone request was just “not now, but we’re thinking about it.”

As we started looking ahead to middle school, we realized the idea of a phone made more sense.

Our middle school is farther away than the elementary school; the kids ride a bus there and back, and sometimes need to stay after school for activities. Navigating the bus schedule was a big new challenge. We felt like if the kid was old enough to handle this type of responsibility, they were also old enough to handle having a phone. Plus, a phone would allow us to stay connected to them, which gave us much-needed reassurance.

We decided to make the 11th birthday a big deal—it’s the last one before middle school, after all. We chose it as the milestone for getting their first phone, and once we made the decision, we hyped it up to all the kids. They were instantly on board with the idea.

When our oldest turned 11, we dropped the younger kids off at my sister’s house, and my husband and I spent some rare time with just our eldest. We booked a hotel surrounded by walkable amenities and wandered around all day, enjoying the sights. We played mini golf and arcade games and ate out at random restaurants and went to a movie of his choice at the theater.

Dinner was gift time. As we ate, we talked about what it means to have a phone, including our expectations and the responsibilities that come with it. The conversation went well, and we felt great about giving him the phone at the end of the meal. He was eager to get his hands on it, and we had fun showing him how it works. We had already tested the device, set up appropriate age restrictions, and installed tracking apps, so it was ready to go.

Once he got comfortable with phone calls and texts, we suggested our son take his new phone and hotel key card and walk ALONE back to the hotel, with instructions to call us once he arrived in the room. We would follow at our leisure a few minutes behind him. This additional display of trust from us further boosted my son’s confidence level. He did great, made it back to the hotel room fine, and proudly called to let us know. We finished the weekend with a yummy late breakfast the next morning before finally heading back home with our now more mature and independent son.

Deciding to give the phone as a gift for the 11th birthday achieved three important goals:

1. We didn’t have to think about what gift to give that year for his birthday.

2. We made a wonderful special memory together that was all about him.

3. It set firm expectations for the younger siblings.

Upon our return, the younger kids immediately began counting down the years until their 11th birthdays. This took the pressure off me and my husband and added a HUGE level of excitement for them.

Our second child was thrilled to hit 11 and get his turn with Mom and Dad for a weekend, and we had an equally amazing trip with him that reinforced the tradition.

Our third son is now eagerly awaiting his turn with much anticipation and zero complaints.

We’re so impressed with how well this went that we’ve since tied other milestone events to specific ages. It’s been a great way to celebrate their growth while building fun family traditions. Think about what makes sense for your family and consider how this method might work for you.

Good luck and may the phone gods be with you.

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